The following letter was leaked by an anonymous source within the Office of the White House Counsel.

Dear Mr. Trump:

Regarding your request to add a clause to your contract, to shield you from ever having to face any criticism or ridicule, we regret to inform you that His Infernal Majesty must refuse.

It is not our policy to amend any contract once the blood has been applied. In particular, to silence opposition to a political figure would interfere with the free will of other mortals, and thus fall outside the scope of the contract (Clause 13.13).

If you refer to the original contract, you will note that it guaranteed the following in exchange for your immortal soul:

(1) A fortune measured in billions of U.S. dollars;
(2) Worldwide fame;
(3) A long and physically healthy life;
(4) Unrestricted access to young, attractive women;
(5) Protection from the legal consequences of your misdeeds in the mortal world.

His Royal Lowness considers that he has more than fulfilled his end of the bargain.

Concerning your conduct in office as President of the United States, you are correct that the Father of Lies has found it most pleasing. However, we must remind you that when the contract was first signed, the Presidency was not yet under discussion. Your victory in the Electoral College, despite the loss of the popular vote, and the deflection of any suspicion of foul play to Russia, were free gifts from the Prince of Darkness with the view of advancing Infernal interests on Earth, and are irrelevant to the matter at hand.

As for your offer of the souls of Mr. Bannon, Ms. Conway and the other individuals named in your letter: While we may not disclose details of contracts with other clients, suffice to say that His Dark Eminence has every reason to expect these souls soon to become his property anyway, and so finds this offer no incentive to change his mind.

If you propose to challenge our decision in court, you are reminded that:

(1) the contract grants sole jurisdiction to the 8th Circle Court of Helpless Appeals;
(2) most lawyers who enjoyed successful careers in the mortal world are now working for our office.

In short, the best course of action we can recommend is to watch only those news outlets likely to be sympathetic to your side (such as that network with a name like Weasel News), and avoid any events where you are likely to be the target of ridicule (such as the White House Correspondents’ Dinner).


Undersecretary Screwtape
Office of Contracts, Bureau of Mortal Relations
5 Malebolge, Pandemonium, 8th Circle, Hell

P.S. His Abysmal Sublimity congratulates you on your inauguration, wishes you a highly successful term of office, and looks forward to finally meeting you in person.